8 posts tagged “weight”
Something that I've been thinking about a lot lately is how I'm seen now that I've lost 132 pounds. How I see myself, how strangers see me, how my family who saw me at my heaviest now see me, how my family who saw me heavy but not nearly my heaviest see me now. Used to be, save very, very few exceptions, I was always the fattest person in the room. There was a certain...comfort isn't the right word but almost a feeling of comfortable acceptance. "I am the fattest person in this room. I don't have to compare myself to anyone else, I don't have to do anything. I am what I am and this is what it is." Now, I'm mostly not the fattest person in the room. A lot of times I'm the person in the room who can bench press the most, knows what vegetables are currently in season, and walked anywhere from 1-4 miles before the other people in the room got out of bed. Clearly that's different from being the fattest person in the room. Clearly I don't miss being the fattest person in the room but I do somehow miss knowing where I am in relation to people. I can't look at myself and see how I look in the context of other people. Would strangers describe me as fat, heavyset, thick, healthy, strong? It doesn't really matter. I guess I'm just curious.
All of this coincides with moving back to Louisville, where I'm so much happier, so much more content and so much more confident. So do people treat me better because I'm 130 pounds lighter or because I treat them better because I'm happier? Are people more friendly because they aren't repulsed by my appearance or because people are just nicer here. Many questions but not so many answers when it comes to strangers. Family is a little clearer.
At my brother's wedding I saw a lot of family members I hadn't seen for a long time. There are very varying degrees of long time though. So I hadn't seen in 8 months, some I hadn't seen in 4 years, some I hadn't seen in 9 years, some I hadn't seen in over 15 years. Some of these people have been present in my life at moments where I was getting bigger and bigger. The ones who saw me at my heaviest and hadn't seen me since I started my healthy lifestyle last year seemed to only want to talk about my weight. I had an aunt who repeatedly demanded I tell her the number of pounds I'd lost. As we've discussed I'm not comfortable with that (though I tell you people freely enough don't I?) so I repeated my stock answer of "a little" over and over to her. She wasn't terribly amused. She didn't ask anything else about my life, our new house, my photography career, nothing. This massive weight loss is apparently the only thing about me that interests her at all.
Family members and family friends who hadn't seen me in 15 years didn't ask about it at all. They commented that I looked wonderful but I chalked that up to the terribly cute outfits I was wearing for all wedding related hoopla including fantastic accessories. Family members who saw me when I was 130 pounds heavier said I looked great but the only meaning I took from that is that "you look so much better 130 pounds lighter" instead of "you look pretty in that skirt." Did they mean either of those things? I don't know, that's just how I instantly took it.
Perhaps the most interesting exchange at the wedding was with a male cousin I hadn't seen since my grandmother's funeral many years ago. I was quite heavy at my grandmother's funeral maybe 30 or 40 pounds less than my heaviest weight. So let's say a hundred pounds more than I weigh now. Since I last saw him this cousin has gone completely bald and gained a significant amount of weight. The baldness threw me. I didn't pay much attention to the weight, until he brought it up. He came up to me and said something about he didn't know I would recognize him. I said well yeah the bald head threw me off for a minute. He sighed and said "yeah there's that and the extra 30 pounds" in an almost apologetic manner. It was a short exchange but one that never would have happened a year ago. No one apologizes to the really fat girl about their extra 30 pounds.
Some family friends told me I looked like I did in high school, others said they would never have known me if we passed on the street. The interactions I liked best were the ones where my weight didn't come up at all.
At this point I've lost 126 pounds. I can't remember if I said this or not but when I started this journey I didn't really have a goal weight I wanted to reach. I threw out a number here and there but truthfully I didn't really care about that number. What I cared about was a clothing size. I wanted to be clothing size X. I don't know why I focused in on that particular clothing size but I did and I'm currently one size above clothing size X. That means I should comfortably be into clothing size X by the end of summer. But as I mentioned in last month's update I feel good and comfortable in my own skin but I still want to be significantly smaller, leaner, stronger and more physically fit. I thought that the number I was throwing about and clothing size X were at about the same point. They aren't. I'm one size away from clothing size X but 56 pounds away from the number. The clothing size and weight were quite close together in B's case but she's several inches shorter than I am and I'm just bigger overall. So in general there has been about a 50 pound difference between when she's in clothing size Q and when I'm in clothing size Q. That doesn't mean anything of course, it's just interesting to know that numbers on a scale can't be the sole motivating factor for anyone because our bodies are each so very different and one weight on me looks and feels very different on someone else. I've always known this but it's a good reminder. I got another kind of good reminder this week too. A reminder of why I don't like to talk about these things with most people. This week someone commented that I'd lost a lot of weight. I said "Yeah, a little." She said something like oh it's much more than a little. I smiled and started to move on. Then she pressed and said "So has it been really, really hard?" I said "well there has been hard work of course in terms of exercise but the actual change in lifestyle has not been that difficult. We've found that we very much enjoying eating healthily, we very much enjoy exercising, we very much enjoy being smaller more fit people. So in that regard no, it hasn't been that difficult. I don't feel like I'm constantly working or that I'm deprived at all." She smirked and said "Well you'll get to a point where it will be much, much harder to lose weight. You'll see." What? What am I supposed to do with that? You assume that I want to lose more weight, you assume that I want to be skinny, you assume a lot and you just seem petty. You don't ask if I feel good, you don't ask what kind of exercise I like, you don't give any useful or supportive comments. Don't ever bring this topic up to me again. Ahem, moving on.
We used the gym at our apartment complex in Indianapolis so since we've been in Louisville we have been treadmill and elliptical machine-less. We have the machines we're going to buy picked out and the space all ready for them we've just not been to buy them yet. However a lack of exercise has not been a problem since we got here. Our house has two stories, sits on hill on a street with a hill, surrounded by other streets on a hill (seriously we're in a valley), has a ton of yard work to do (including mowing the hilly yard with a reel mower), our neighborhood has lots of stuff to walk to and we of course have our beloved new bikes.The routine has been to walk 2 or 3 miles each day with a 2 mile or so bike ride thrown in with lots of house work to do during the week. During the weekend those same 2 or 3 walking miles, same biking miles but lots and lots and lots of yard work. You know it's hot in Kentucky during the summer right? I've been sweating and working and working and sweating and loving lots of the minutes of it. Not every minute you understand, but lots of the minutes of it. My arms are quite sore today from mowing the yard yesterday. Quite sore.
So I'm confident that we'll continue our healthy eating (we're biking to the farmer's market tomorrow morning, yum) because that's what feels good to us and what we like to do and we'll continue exercising (walk, bike, treadmill, etc on the way) and even expand our physical activities (we're looking into some canoe/kayaking options, and both really want to try skiing/snowboarding this winter, and I may want to take up golf again, walking the course naturally). So even with size X right around the corner I think my weight is still going to go further down. I don't know how much further down it will go though. The BMI index says I've got a long, long way to go but I know there isn't much fat left on my hips. Seriously, my hip bones are close to jutting out at this point. If I get to a point where I have to exercise like a crazy person and starve just to lose more and more weight as opposed to just feeling good and healthy then that's the point where my weight is going to stay. Like I said above, the number can't be the thing. A healthy weight for me isn't necessarily a healthy weight for you. I hope that a healthy, comfortable weight is about 56 pounds from now but maybe it's 40 pounds from now or maybe even 60 pounds. I don't know but I know that I look good, I feel good and I'm strong and active. That's what's important. If I don't ever break that additional 56 pound mark but I look good, feel good and am strong, active and healthy then that's A-ok.
Did you catch that last part where I said I looked good? That's a self-confidence thing. My self-confidence was gone for the 4 years we lived in Indianapolis. We've gotten reacquainted here in Louisville and we find that we like each other very much. Here's the thing about me and Louisville. When I'm here I'm "The best, cutest, quietest most confident version of" myself. And I sometimes "wear lip gloss." Here the cute dyke at the cafe flirts with me and I flirt back a tiny bit before letting it be known that I'm completely taken. Here I go to the coffee shop by myself and hang out and chat with strangers. Here I'm joining a book club. After the Indianapolis book club fiasco (anyone remember that?) it's shocking that I'd be up for joining one ever again but here I don't have a single reservation about it. It meets next Sunday afternoon at a cool coffee house and the book is "This Is Not Chick Lit." Here I find it easy to connect with an artist I met online and tell her truthfully that she sounds cool and I hope B and I can be friends with her and her partner. She says she feels the same way. We're meeting for coffee in a hour at a cool lesbian coffee house. Here I find it easy to be honest and earnest about a documentary photography project I'm working on and not care if someone gets it or not, thinks I'm silly for doing it or not. It's my project, it's work I want to do and I'm doing it. Fin.
That's what I'm like here. That's who I am here. It is the real me. The me that's been buried. Buried under excess weight. Buried under Indianapolis' cold winters and frosty people. Buried under a layer of unhappiness I didn't really understand. Buried under low self esteem and extreme self doubt. This all sounds a bit melodramatic doesn't it? That's cool though because the real me is a bit melodramatic.If you've only known me during the Indianapolis years then we definitely need to get reacquainted.
Hello there, it's very nice to meet you. Enough about me. What do you think of me? Bwhaaa, I kid, I kid.
At this point I've lost 115 pounds. Otherwise known as a small person. The pants I bought yesterday are the same size pants I was wearing my freshman year in college. These pants are not small by any means of course but I was quite happy my freshman year in college both in general and with myself. I wasn't obsessed with any feelings of hatred toward my body and was comfortable at my size. So it's odd to be this size again and yet feel so different. I feel good in my skin but I'm acutely aware that I'm still much larger than I want to be at this point in my life, at least 65 pounds larger. When I was this size before my eating habits and lifestyle were bad to say the least. I exercised never, ate horribly, and consumed a great deal of alcohol. Before having a cocktail with dinner last Sunday I can't recall having an alcoholic drink since Christmas.
We're eating out right now much, much more than we normally do because we're trying to hit our favorite Indianapolis restaurants (all 2 of them) as much as possible before we leave town. The move is less than two weeks away and I'm really stressed with all the details but I'm keeping my eating in check and exercise a lot. Our new house is a half mile walk from a park with 6 miles of hiking trails, a nature preserve with 3 miles of walking trails and 9 public clay tennis courts. We're 1.25 miles walking distance to the farmer's market and .75 miles walk to the coffee shop I almost lived in during college. We're really, really excited to get settled in and have a really, really fantastic active lifestyle and life down there.
When I changed my lifestyle I naturally expected to lose weight, be healthier and be more physically able. All of those things have happened, continue to happen and will hopefully be happening long into the future. I didn't think about all the details included in losing a significant amount of weight though and some of them are surprising. One of those details is that I suddenly seemed to have lost a shoe size. For my entire adult life I've worn men's shoes over women's shoes in probably a 3 to 1 ration. I mention that just to explain that my default shoe size is 9.5 Men's. For as long as I've been buying my own shoes my shoe size has been 9.5. Except now it's not. I went to buy some new running/walking shoes a couple weeks ago and found that the 9.5 I tried on was much too big and that the 9 was a much better fit. I'd noticed that my current running shoes were loose but just attributed it to generally stretching aging. I just pulled out my Birkenstock sandals and found that they are now considerably too large for my foot. I expected to have to buy all new clothes, I'm just surprised that apparently I have to buy all new shoes too.
As of this morning's trip to the scales I've lost 101.6 pounds. That's a pretty staggering number. Of course I've got another 80 to lose to reach my goal weight (though really my goals are more in terms of clothing sizes and being able to accomplish certain physical feats) and probably another 100 or even more to lose should I suddenly want to reach society's/bmi chart's definition of not being overweight. I don't measure my waist or my hips or any of that but I do like to wear men's pants frequently so given that they're sized by waist number I know that as of a few weeks ago, when I bought a new pair of shorts, I've lost about 12-14 inches around my waist.
So 101.6 pounds and at least 12 inches around the waist.
As I said a few weeks ago when I hit the 90 pounds lost mark I don't hate my body anymore. I don't love it, I look forward to it getting smaller, stronger, faster, having more endurance than it does now but I don't hate it. I'm comfortable in my skin. That's really an amazing feeling. I started to say that unless you've been really fat you don't know what it means to hate your body that much and know what a relief it is to not feel that way anymore. However I think that would be an unfair statement because lots and lots of people hate their bodies. It's my natural inclination to say things like "what on earth does she have to be unhappy about? She's 5'10 and weighs 195 pounds. She looks amazing." But you can't discount what someone feels just because you think it's irrational. That doesn't mean that I don't get really irritated when people comment on my weight loss and follow it up with "Oh. My. God. I have to lose these 10 pounds. Jesus I look awful." But I'm trying to be a more considerate, understanding person when it comes to the very individual, very internal, very emotional feelings we all have about our bodies.
I still don't know what to say to people who comment on my weight lost. The other day a neighbor asked me how much I'd lost and I had absolutely no intention of telling her a number. I don't know why but I just wasn't comfortable with that at all. So I said "a little." She laughed and said "A whole lot more than a little." Yes I guess a hundred pounds is a whole lot more than a little.
Even though I'm unemployed (notice how I just slipped that in and neglected to give any details about why I left the job I took a few weeks ago? Smooth I say) I'm going to buy myself the new-ish Gomez CD today. Not so much as a "reward" but just as "I feel really good today and good new music makes even really good days even better." And I really dig Gomez.
I'm also going to Starbucks in a few minutes. I'm going to enjoy my vanilla cappuccino, eat my yogurt, write in my journal and read my book. That's really my favorite way to spend a morning. That reminds me of something. I know I've written before about people who make comments like "oh you must not eat food x or y" and how silly that is right? Well some people are surprised, nay shocked to find out that I don't order non-fat drinks at Starbucks. I do from time to time enjoy a Frappuccino Light but when I have a hot beverage it is full fat, whole milk all the way. Why? Because I really don't enjoy drinks made with skim milk. Why else? I really, really love the taste of a cup of coffee with a couple of tablespoons of half & half and I really, really love the taste of cappuccinos made with whole milk. So when I have coffee I make it work with my food plan for the day. It's really that simple. People have a hard time understanding that. My family, people on the street, people I know are trying to lose weight so often seem to think that becoming healthier is one long exercise in deprivation. It's so not and I wish I could get that point across to people. When you throw out most of the junk you eat then you start eating better, healthier, tastier foods. And because you're eating so much more healthily it's ok to have whole milk cappuccinos or full fat yogurt instead of having everything fat free all the time. You can find ways to make it work and still keep foods and beverages you love. Honest. 101.6 pounds says I'm right on this.
I've lost 67 pounds since August. I've still got a lot I need and want to lose but 67 pounds is a pretty sizable number & it's made a pretty significant difference in the way I look and feel. When people who haven't seen me in a while start to comment on my weight loss I really try to change the subject. I'm not sure why, but I'm really not comfortable discussing it in person. I think perhaps because this is primarily about health for me and not appearance whereas I think most of the people commenting have the opposite focus. It's all about how I look and not about how I feel. One exception to this is my mother who frequently says "I know you just feel great don't you?" and I answer truthfully that yes, yes I do feel great.
If I can't change the subject the conversation usually takes a well-worn path. First it's the "how have you lost so much weight route?" to which I respond I eat well, exercise regularly and try have a healthy lifestyle. That doesn't satisfy many people. It's all I've got though so eventually they give up. Until it's time to eat. Then comments come out about how oh they bet I don't eat this or that and how they could never give up such and such and how food x is their absolute weakness. Again, I don't have any real response to this so I just eat whatever it is I want to eat and move on.
I've been thinking about these conversations a lot though. I've also thought about two pieces of writing that were very helpful and inspiring to me when I was making the decision to actively start losing weight and transitioning to a more healthy lifestyle. These pieces are Lance Arthur's Fat Headed and Ariel Starling's Fat is a Feminist Issue. I've decided (partially based on emails I've received) that perhaps some more detailed and personal answer from me about what I'm doing will be helpful to someone else at some point. So I gave it some thought and here is what I came up with.
So I've been on The Plan since July, actively weighing myself weekly since August and exercising very regularly since August as well and I've lost 53 pounds. Since my starting point was so high I've still got a long way to go but this is good progress and I'm pleased with how far I've come. I still don't find The Plan restrictive or hard and whether I like to exercise or not I still hit the gym 3 times a week and still walk at least 2 miles a day in addition to that (ask me about the dog stroller I know own).
A conversation today with George helped me firmly decide that yes I'm going to SXSWi. I'm nervous and excited. I hope I can keep up my progress with The Plan so that a) I'll be more comfortable on the plane (skinny seats and all) and b) that I'll feel a little bit better about myself. I'm not shy but I'm not terribly good in social situations either. I used to be but then somehow I lost a whole big chunk of my self-confidence.
It's been a minute since I blogged anywhere other than Exposure or Consuming Indy. Sometimes I miss blogging, or more the conversations with people that blogging allowed/created. I should get more involved so I could have those conversations again.
So, what's up with me. Well B is in the middle of hunting for a job when her fellowship ends in June. Two departments in her hospital here are chasing her, trying to lure her in with promises of benefits for me and a photography internship. Another hospital is trying to lure her with the old "we'll restructure the job to be however you want it" line. We're still looking for a job for her in Louisville though since we'd really like to go back home. We're incredibly lucky to have one amazing contact in the medical community in Louisville that is giving us some people to contact during the job search. As much as I would love for B to get a great job in Louisiville I'm not overly confident there is going to be a job there that's right for her right now. The people here in Indy are basically bending over backwards to get her to take their jobs. Good salary, benefits for me, custom designed work situation, etc. So the hope is she gets a great job in Louisville and we get to go home. The realistic view is she'll take a job here for a few years and that will be ok because in a few years she'll have more experience, her field will have expanded (geratric hospitialists) and there will be many more job opportunities available that meet her very high standards and criteria.
I'm doing very well on The Program. I didn't have a scale when I first started the program in July but got one in early August. Since that time I've lost 39 pounds. I walk 2-4 miles everyday outside, walk/jog 3 days a week on the treadmill and have slowly started incorporating free weights into my routine. I eat very well and very happily (this includes lots of homemade meals and baking) and don't feel stifled or deprived in the food department at all. I haven't had a real Coke in 3 months and I drink 1-2 diet sodas a day (either Diet Dr Pepper or Coke Zero).
I'm losing weight at a very good pace and I feel amazing. I have great energy levels (many days we're up and out the door by 6:45 for our morning walk, that's insane for me), am much more even in my moods and basically just feel really good nearly all the time instead of feeling barely ok. All that being said I'm a little frustrated that even with such amazing progress that my size restricts me so much. Like I've basically lost 40 pounds but I haven't dropped 5 clothing sizes or anything. I mean I have to tighten my belt a lot and there's a ton of room in all my clothes now but it's not like everything is falling off me. The weight is disappearing from somewhere just not everywhere at the same time I guess. In the past few weeks though I have really been noticing a difference in my clothes. I suspect that after the holidays/first of the year I'll have to do some serious shopping for smaller clothes.
What's more frustrating than the clothes thing though is that I'd really to like to add some more interesting and diverse physical activity to my routine but still don't fill that I can either because a) I'm literally too big to do it or b) I still don't feel comfortable attempting it not because I don't think physically I could but because I'm nervous about the situation. Example? I'd really like to take a kickboxing or martial arts class. Something that isn't just mindless running, walking or lifting. Something interactive, something more agressive and more personal. Contrary to maybe what it should be fitness instructors aren't always interested in instructing people on how to get fit. Meaning if you don't already have some level of fitness they don't want you. Or to be more blunt gyms don't want fat people who are working hard and becoming less fat. They want pretty thin people who are just getting thinner or more toned. Or maybe that's just my perception. It really is possible that it's only my perception and not reality but it feels like reality. So I'm afraid of going to one of these classes and having the instructor or other students look down on me. I'm afraid of not being able to find one of those standard martial arts uniforms that fit. I'm afraid of no one wanting to spar with me. Bascially I'm afraid that an exercise activity I'm taking on for fitness and fun will instead just like high school remixed (not that my high school years were horrible but you know what I mean). So basically it feels like I have to lose even more weight and get more fit before I can integrate more activities that are fun and good for me that will also help me lose weight and get more fit. It's kind of sucky. That said I'm still very motivated with The Program, still very happy with my progress, and look forward to eventually taking a kickboxing class. Man, I've wanted to take a kickboxing class for forever.
